Asking Eric: Readers share ways to talk about a child after loss

Dear Readers On March I shared a letter from Mother of Three who lost her daughter five years ago and felt unsure about how to respond when people ask how various children do you have A number of readers wrote in with thoughtful and empathetic suggestions I d like to share four with you in the modern day Dear Eric I lost my beautiful intelligent oldest son to alcoholism three years ago If the situation is casual I respond that we raised three boys and now have four grandchildren including girls a new experience for us For a large number of situations that is enough information When conversations go deeper I calmly say that we lost a son to alcoholism an critical fact that requirements to be reported It can be an awkward moment but I say that we have multiple blessings and enjoy life with all of our family and friends Mother of Three Dear Mother I like that you frame your answer in a way that feels the greater part content for you that s key Also by sharing more information when you choose to you never know who you might help Thank you for writing and I m sorry for the loss of your son Dear Eric I understand Mother of Three I lost two adult children my son Alan to ALS and my younger daughter Leslie to advanced breast cancer five and three years ago I too felt awkward when urged how various children I have It s easier if I say one but then I feel I m negating my children who died What I say now is I have one surviving child a daughter who lives in Seattle Sometimes I say more sometimes not Another Mom of Three Dear Mom I m sorry for the loss of Alan and Leslie What I see in your answer is an awareness that sometimes we re in a place to share more extensively and sometimes we re not and both are just right Thank you for sharing Dear Eric I too lost a child five years ago He was and suffered an unintentional overdose Early on as I dealt with similar feelings I decided I would never deny my son s existence in any situation So when the inevitable questions come up with new people about how several children I have and what they are doing with their lives etc I say I have two children and one of them has passed away Then I follow up with It s OK I love to talk about him And I do His loss is as much a part of knowing me as anything you can see on the surface I hope this helps Another Angel Mom Dear Angel Mom What a beautiful and wise point every part of your son s journey will unfailingly be a part of your life I m glad that talking about him brings you satisfaction and I m sorry for the loss you endured Dear Eric I have a friend who lost her son to suicide and in researching how to help I came across this idea My friend responds by saying I have a son who died two years ago and a daughter who is daughter s age and lives in Boulder That way people can respond to the degree they are able People who are not close usually ask about the daughter and do not respond about the son and those who are closer have a similar experience or feel settled discussing it and ask about the son Reader Dear Reader This is another graceful way of navigating this conversation with truthfulness and an awareness that particular different people bring in different emotions and experiences to a conversation Dear Eric I d like to offer other suggestions for Sister in the Middle the woman whose sister has a verbally abusive controlling son I ve worked in the Long-Term Care world for more than years and if she fears that her sister is truly being verbally abused and she s concerned about her sister s well-being she can call Adult Protective Services APS in the county the sister lives in She can make an anonymous call sharing all the concerns she has Sounds to me like a definite concern for elder abuse and isolation Elder abuse has plenty of forms this situation sounds concerning and calling APS can be a safe effective way to ensure the sister s safety by people who are able to be impartial unbiased but also be there for this woman s sister when she can t Related Articles Asking Eric In-law s demands test family patience Asking Eric Professor required to eulogize complex former colleague Asking Eric Fianc s freeloading daughters are blocking marriage Asking Eric Coworker s outfits create conversation but HR won t help Asking Eric Friend refuses to get diagnostic care despite scary effects It may appear to be intrusive and family friends are sometimes hesitant to call but the alternative is having a loved one continue to live in any type of abusive relationship even if it is with her child Concerned Social Worker Who Cares Dear Social Worker Thank you for this supply If the sister is a senior APS can provide much-needed help Send questions to R Eric Thomas at eric askingeric com or P O Box Philadelphia PA Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas com